Episode 336
—Soo-rim’s family is full of lawyers. They didn’t show it, but apparently, she was really stressed about her grades from a long time ago.
I had no idea.
I never thought she would be going through such a tough time.
—When was it? Was it April this year? She didn’t come to school for about two weeks, and I heard it was because her father hit her with a golf club?
I didn’t know.
I just thought she stopped coming to school to focus on studying; I had no idea she was actually taking a break.
—The stress from studying really was immense. The grades at our school were no joke. Even the delinquents held onto at least one subject, and with the pressure at home, it must have been tough for her to handle.
I didn’t know.
I always thought she was just this clueless, carefree kid who babbled nonsense, living life without a care.
—But you were in the same class as Soo-rim… You really had no idea?
“……”
No.
In reality, I had a vague sense of it.
Reading the shadow over her expression was a piece of cake for me.
But I chose not to get involved deeply.
It wasn’t my business. I was busy with my own issues.
I was desperate to rise above. To me, the other students were merely tools to make me stand out or competitors.
“How unfortunate.”
On the day of Soo-rim’s funeral.
I was meeting Bae Cheol-man after a long while.
I was there to share the news that I got into the university I wanted, catch up, and discuss the future.
“…The media will pay quite a bit of attention to this matter. It’s an event that exposes the harsh reality of South Korea, so the public opinion will definitely heat up.”
“……”
“I heard she was hanging out with that student… the shock must be huge. We’ve had enough of this conversation; you should relax now. There are plenty of empty rooms, so just find one you like.”
Bae Cheol-man spoke in a calm tone, and I asked him.
“…Are you saying I shouldn’t go to the funeral?”
“It wouldn’t do you any good to get involved. With the trouble I already have because of our connection, do you really want to go and add fuel to the fire? Just stay quietly out of it. The media is like a pot; it boils hot quickly and cools down just as fast, so I’ll take care of it when the time comes.”
“Is there really a need? Just stay quiet. The media is like a pot; it heats up quickly and cools down just as fast. When the time comes, I’ll handle it myself.”
“……”
“Si-hu, you don’t know anything. That Lee Soo-rim girl is just someone from the same class with whom you’ve exchanged a few words. There’s no relationship there. Think of it as a play you’re good at.”
“…A play?”
“Yeah, the one you love and are best at.”
Bae Cheol-man’s words were rational and valid.
If someone like me, whose face is known, got involved in such an incident, it’s inevitable that my image would suffer damage.
Even if I’m not the one who drove it to suicide, an indelible label would stick to me, hard to shake off.
After all, the only times I spoke to Lee Soo-rim were when there were no eyes around. Thanks to my effort, I showed no rough sides to anyone else.
Moreover, due to Lee Soo-rim’s friendly nature, many students had a relationship with her, not just me. A suitable hiding place was already formed in the forest.
“Got it?”
Tap, tap—
Bae Cheol-man lightly tapped my shoulders.
His hand was firm, accompanied by a kind smile. Touching that hand felt like it was made of iron, cold to the touch.
He was the direction I aimed for.
The path I had to take.
“……”
I nodded and gulped.
“I understand, Chairman.”
*
Just as Bae Cheol-man said, the media and public heated up quickly, then cooled down just as fast.
People were too noisy, carrying the weight of a student’s death in their hearts. New incidents never ceased, and people turned their attention elsewhere.
A zealous parent had killed a male student… That was something that happened in the past.
Only that much residual heat remained.
“Oh, all you angels! Oh, land! What else? Should we add hell? Ugh, hold on, heart. Muscles, don’t age as fast as time; hold me up.”
Once I entered university, I joined a famous theater troupe in Daehangno and started performing.
Thanks to my recognition, education, and acting skills, I could have joined a bigger troupe, but that would have taken longer to land a leading role.
While I was still in school, I built my skills with practical training in a moderately-sized troupe.
Time flew quickly, and after graduating from the army and university, I expanded my performances nationwide.
My name appeared quite frequently on websites and TV news.
Without Bae Cheol-man’s support, I still lived a prosperous life.
Instead, I continually emphasized that as much as I received, Bae Cheol-man was like a father to me, and all my talents and positions were possible thanks to him.
I quickly raced down the smooth road.
I was getting closer to the success I desired at full speed.
Days turned into months, months into years.
As time passed, my name and wealth soared without a care in the world, just like human greed, and my time was now worth more than a chunk of gold.
The place I used to stay changed from an office-tel to a luxury apartment.
A high-rise apartment with a clear view of the Han River. At night, the unending lights of Seoul beautifully shone.
It was, as people say, a successful life.
“The trivial records I jotted down in my memory notebook during my youth, all the quotes from various books, every phrase and sentiment: erase them all, and let your commands live solely in my brain’s memo.”
I was 28 years old.
No longer needing to balance studies, I was solely devoted to acting.
At that time, I was active both domestically and internationally, but something felt off about me.
The precious wine, worth several hundred, felt as bland as water, and no matter how expensive the meat, my tongue remained unsatisfied.
Was it because my palate had become refined? That’s what I initially thought.
“I swear to the sky it won’t be so!”
But it wasn’t.
Even now, I think my senses were surely in ruins back then.
Was it due to extreme immersion in acting? Or perhaps from cutting down too much on sleep?
Whatever it was, unfortunately, I lacked the venom and mental strength that Bae Cheol-man expected.
Inside me, countless characters I had portrayed seemed to breathe, and that self would suddenly pop out.
Often, the distinction between the stage and reality vanished.
Wherever I spoke was the stage, and the dazzling city lights were the spotlight.
The blaring horns of noisy cars sounded like the applause of an audience, and I recited my lines while listening to that noise.
“Oh, the most wicked woman!”
Especially that day, I hadn’t taken my psychiatric medication, and it seemed my symptoms worsened.
Stepping out onto the balcony, I performed a monologue scene I had done on stage, feeling the wind.
If I had been a high school or college student, I would have never imagined doing something like this, caring about the gazes around me…
Did you know? Nobody lives on the top floor of the apartment.
“Villain, villain, despicable laughing villain!”
I was in shambles.
Looking back, that’s how it was.
Two weeks ago, after the show, a woman’s single remark caused the sandcastle I had barely maintained to completely collapse.
“Mother, I did not hate you! Yet you shake me to my roots!”
The woman who was my mother had come to visit.
With the wrinkles of time etched onto her face, she shamelessly wore a forced smile.
She started off with meaningless small talk, then quickly got to the point.
—Could you possibly help your mom?
In the end, it was her asking for money.
Money, money, money.
From beginning to end, it was all about money.
She abandoned me for money, and now she came to see me for money.
“You’re too late. It’s far too late. You didn’t even show your face when I desperately wished for it. Now, after the harvest is over, you come bearing a sickle.”
I had secretly longed for her all this time.
I had made it possible for her to find me.
Even when I borrowed Bae Cheol-man’s name to post an article on the website from the orphanage.
When I borrowed a name to post an article on a webpage.
When I went to university and continued participating in plays while doing interviews.
I missed her, waiting for her to come find me.
But she never looked for me, and my heart wasn’t infinite.
The longing for my mother had already left, and there was not even warmth left in that place.
So, I exploded with the feelings of hatred I had suppressed all this time towards her.
Despite being in a busy cafe, I didn’t care and condemned her.
“Inherited your filthy blood, I must be a filthy human too.”
After that, I stopped all activities and isolated myself in this luxury apartment.
I turned off the incessantly ringing calls from the company and declined all meetings.
…And thus, I got drunk and dwelled on my emotions.
My already fragile mental state struggled to accept reality without alcohol, and when I suddenly checked the date, it had been just over a week since I locked myself away.
It was the first time since talking with Lee Soo-rim that I had spent such meaningless and worthless time in my life.
‘Lee Soo-rim….’
As that foolish face came to mind, I turned on the inactive sub-phone.
Then I went to the site where that guy posted his stories and searched for that ridiculous title.
‘It’s there.’
He was dead, but the writings he left behind still existed in the online world.
A lengthy piece with over 600 chapters. Surprisingly, it was marked as complete.
I had read about thirty-something chapters back in high school, so it seemed like he had been writing steadily after that.
“……”
I clicked on the prologue and began to read.
If you ask why, I’m sorry, but I can’t give you a proper answer.
At the time, I wasn’t moving by will but by consciousness, so I don’t know either.
For four days straight, I read his writings.
I didn’t even sleep.
Having read so many words, the succinct writing of that guy was particularly easy to read, and Liam’s story reached its conclusion.
‘…I see.’
Having finished the novel, I finally understood Lee Soo-rim back then.
As the story flowed, it went toward tragedy and the broken protagonist, Liam. A despairing bad ending that anyone could curse at.
‘You were screaming too.’
Lee Soo-rim was crying out through the story.
Just like I had shouted at the woman who was my mother via media, Lee Soo-rim was pleading for help.
Expressing her unstable mental state through the story, she ultimately met a horrific end.
Perhaps I was the only one who could have helped that guy.
Crash—!
Immediately after that, I jumped from the balcony.
…But really, it’s absurd.
I thought I’d go to hell for all the bad things I did, but instead, I ended up inside the story of that guy I cursed so much.
