The first page of the notebook was filled with writing practice.
It was written with a notebook and pen picked up from somewhere.
Clumsy, meaningless sentences stood out.
[Han Si-Hoo]
[Yoo Seo-Ah]
There was also a name scribbled in the corner of the notebook.
There were some unintelligible doodles too.
As he flipped through the notebook, relatively meaningful sentences started to appear.
[It rained today.]
[It rained yesterday.]
[It rained before that.]
“A diary…”
Han Si-Hoo had seen Yoo Seo-Ah occasionally writing something in her notebook.
She didn’t write much.
She didn’t have an abundance of writing materials.
She always tried to hide it, so he never got to see its contents.
[We played tag today.]
[It was fun.]
In the corner, there was a drawing that appeared to depict Han Si-Hoo and Yoo Seo-Ah.
He turned the page.
[I like Si-Hoo.]
[I’m happy because Si-Hoo is here.]
The handwriting was crooked and uneven.
Han Si-Hoo couldn’t bring himself to turn the page easily.
Would Seo-Ah say the same things now?
Was she thinking about him?
Was she happy because of him?
…He doubted it.
Would Han Si-Hoo be a condition for Yoo Seo-Ah’s happiness?
If he weren’t there, would she be happy as long as she had medicine?
That was probably the case, which is why she attacked Han Si-Hoo.
With a complicated feeling, he turned the page.
He could see unique doodles stretching over three sides.
There were sentences written about the weather that continued for quite some time.
He kept flipping through the pages.
He hoped to gather some useful information.
If Yoo Seo-Ah had been using this notebook until recently, he might uncover something.
When did Yoo Seo-Ah start using drugs?
What caused the state of the house to end up like this?
Han Si-Hoo wanted to know.
With each page he turned, Yoo Seo-Ah’s handwriting became neater.
It looked like she hadn’t written for a while.
[The diary was stuck between the drawers.]
It appeared to have been lost and then found.
Well, if she had been writing since she was very young, there wouldn’t be enough space in the notebook.
He turned another page.
[I wish I could be strong like Si-Hoo.]
This lament was written there.
Yoo Seo-Ah had always just watched as Han Si-Hoo trained alone.
Even if she tried to follow along, it wasn’t easy.
[I’m sure it will be okay because Si-Hoo is looking out for me.]
That was right.
“……”
Han Si-Hoo couldn’t protect Yoo Seo-Ah.
So it was definitely not okay.
His hands started to tremble slightly.
He turned the page of the notebook.
[I bought cold medicine.]
He found information about the drugs.
[I need to get better quickly.]
[It was supposed to be money I saved for a present for Si-Hoo.]
Yoo Seo-Ah had once given him a 1500 won snack, saying it was a gift.
He remembered her saying she wanted to give him something better.
Was this diary written around that time?
He wasn’t sure.
[I didn’t cough at all today.]
[Thanks to the new medicine.]
[The new doctor seems like a nice person.]
He found mention of a doctor.
A new doctor?
There weren’t many details, but it seemed she had definitely purchased medicine from the doctor.
[I almost got caught with the syringe from Si-Hoo.]
[I accidentally forgot to tidy up.]
His head felt a bit foggy.
A syringe?
When was this diary written?
He didn’t notice.
It was even before Han Si-Hoo enrolled in the Academy.
Something felt off.
Why was a doctor already involved before going to the Academy?
He couldn’t guess the reason.
[Tomorrow Si-Hoo is going to the Academy.]
[I want to go too.]
The two sentences were written with a slight gap between them.
Once it was revealed that Han Si-Hoo was an Awakener, the Academy and the government forced him to enroll.
There was no choice for rejection.
There were benefits for Han Si-Hoo as well.
Meeting many people.
Most importantly, a substantial amount of money.
Money he could give to Yoo Seo-Ah.
But it all went to cover her medicine costs.
[I want to go to school with Si-Hoo too.]
[I wish I were an Awakener too.]
[I’m so bored.]
A list of various wishes was laid out.
[I want to play with Si-Hoo.]
It was written in tiny letters like that.
He turned the page.
[Now that Si-Hoo is gone, I have to do well by myself.]
[Why did they take Si-Hoo away? ]
[I’m left all alone.]
[I shouldn’t cry.]
Yoo Seo-Ah’s loneliness seeped through the text.
There was a whole page filled with lines about wanting to see Han Si-Hoo.
[Taking the medicine seems to make me feel okay.]
[The doctor said I could write a little more.]
The process of increasing the dosage of the medicine was also written down.
[I stayed home today.]
[I decided to stay home again today.]
Yoo Seo-Ah didn’t like just staying in the house.
In Han Si-Hoo’s memories, Yoo Seo-Ah always liked to play outside actively.
But Han Si-Hoo wasn’t there.
There was no one to play with.
No friends.
In the margins of the page, there was a list of Yoo Seo-Ah’s hopes.
[The sky is clear.]
[I want to stargaze with Si-Hoo.]
Stargazing.
—Hey Si-Hoo, do you want to go stargazing together today?
That came to mind.
In the past, at home.
It was around a week after he enrolled in the Academy.
When Han Si-Hoo visited Yoo Seo-Ah for a moment, she hesitated and asked him to stay.
—No?
—Ah, you had plans at night, right? With a friend…
—I was just saying that, don’t mind it.
He had refused her.
He actually had plans.
He never thought that the always-smiling Yoo Seo-Ah would feel lonely.
He thought he should take her out to have fun someday because she looked disappointed.
“Ah.”
Thinking of the past makes him feel like he’s going to die.
The last time Yoo Seo-Ah asked Han Si-Hoo to stay was that moment.
After that, she started to distance herself.
He turned the page again.
[I received money for medicine from Si-Hoo.]
[I bought a month’s worth of medicine.]
Of course, he had never given her money specifically for medicine.
Yoo Seo-Ah had used all of Han Si-Hoo’s money for her medication.
[But the price of the medicine has gone up again.]
[I shouldn’t be a hindrance.]
[Si-Hoo might worry.]
[I shouldn’t.]
Han Si-Hoo turned the page with slightly trembling hands.
Yoo Seo-Ah was worried about Han Si-Hoo.
She was reluctant to be a burden.
She was feeling the signs of becoming addicted to the medicine.
So she decided to push Han Si-Hoo away.
[Si-Hoo waited outside the door and then left. I told him not to come back again. I think I said it too harshly.]
The handwriting seemed to be shaky, as if written with trembling hands.
[I can apologize later.]
[I’ll come to see him when I don’t have to use medicine anymore.]
[I never want to show him that I’m using medicine.]
[Si-Hoo will forgive me.]
The handwriting thickened and then thinned repeatedly.
Perhaps pressing the pen too hard, there were also torn sections.
When she didn’t need to use medicine.
Yoo Seo-Ah thought she would come to see him when he didn’t have to help her anymore.
And Yoo Seo-Ah ultimately visited Han Si-Hoo.
To borrow money for the medicine.
She seemed to not care that she looked pathetic.
In the end, she failed to quit the drugs.
[I’m sorry.]
[I shouldn’t be living like this.]
She was apologizing to someone.
The other sentences on the page were crossed out dozens of times, making them unreadable.
[I can hold on.]
The pages were filled with torn-out pieces.
[Even if I’m gone, it shouldn’t be a problem for Si-Hoo.]
[Shouldn’t it? ]
[I hope it isn’t.]
[It can’t be.]
Repeatedly, the same sentences appeared.
[If there are no problems, that would be good.]
[I’m sorry.]
Many sentences of apology were visible.
[The medicine is definitely weird.]
[Si-Hoo isn’t coming.]
There were multiple lines struck through above those sentences.
Han Si-Hoo knew better than anyone that he wasn’t coming to help her.
Yet there was no one else to whom she could ask for help.
Yoo Seo-Ah had no friends.
[It’s natural that he isn’t coming.]
[I wonder if he’ll accept my apology later.]
[I spoke harshly.]
The pen marks wobbled here and there.
From here on, the lines in the notebook didn’t matter.
The sentences were written all over without any order.
[I threw all the medicine away.]
[I can bear the pain.]
“…Huh?”
Yoo Seo-Ah threw the medicine away.
She threw it away?
She said she wouldn’t use it anymore.
[It won’t hurt much.]
[If I get better, I can go see Si-Hoo.]
The traces of her determination to never take medicine again were present.
She seemed to have wanted to meet Han Si-Hoo no matter what.
And then, a blank space.
A blank space.
A considerable amount of blank space followed the page.
As he got closer to the back of the notebook, the words reappeared.
[Today the sky is clear, and I’m happy.]
It was the last sentence Han Si-Hoo could understand.
[The weather is nice.]
[The weather is nice.]
[The weather is nice.]
[The weather is…]
The rest was entirely filled with doodles.
Or maybe it was writing that Han Si-Hoo couldn’t decipher.
He stared blankly at Yoo Seo-Ah’s diary.
Thud.
He closed the notebook after a long time.
His hands were shaking uncontrollably.
“Ugh.”
He realized that Yoo Seo-Ah had distanced herself because she was worried about him.
She had been in pain from loneliness, which made her rely even more on the medicine.
He also realized when she started getting medicine from the doctor.
He had seen the sentence “If I take the medicine, it won’t hurt” dozens of times.
He should have figured it out sooner.
Had he not cared about Seo-Ah?
That couldn’t be the case.
It was too late.
His vision started to blur.
He felt like throwing up.
“Why?”
Why did it end up like this?
Why?
Who created this situation?
His stomach churned.
He was a childhood friend with a pure and bright personality.
In the diary, Yoo Seo-Ah had kept asking Han Si-Hoo for help.
Surely those requests couldn’t have gone unheard.
And indeed, there was no help.
He didn’t want to think about it anymore.
But he had to.
“Why…”
Why did this happen?
It was a question that he’d ask repeatedly.
He clutched his head.
Han Si-Hoo tried desperately to find a reason.
Why, among so many people, did this happen to Seo-Ah of all people?
Why was the doctor prescribing medicine?
He had no idea.
Only the fact remained that he couldn’t protect Yoo Seo-Ah.
Wasn’t there something more?
There had to be more in the house that could provide information.
Clank.
The drawer of the table made a rough sound as it opened.
Inside, there was a broken multicolored pen.
That was all he could find in the drawer.
He staggered to his feet.
He took the notebook.
He still couldn’t grasp the identity of the pile of scrap metal in the room.
He couldn’t understand why the mirror was broken.
He didn’t know exactly when she started injecting drugs.
“…I have to go back.”
He needed to go back to the dormitory and ask Seo-Ah.
Did he think that it would all be resolved if he just made breakfast leisurely?
Could he just have a conversation as if nothing had happened?
Could a few apologies erase it all?
Would a little effort bring back a peaceful daily life?
Would it all end if he just took her for treatment or rest?
What would Seo-Ah be thinking?
Han Si-Hoo asked himself.
He just wanted to run away.
He was instinctively rejecting the uncomfortable truth.
It was time to end his escape from reality.
“I have to go back.”
He needed to find out what had happened.
He had no guesses.
No, there were too many.
Things that could have happened to Seo-Ah.
The category of bad things only grew wider.
He weighed the worst-case scenarios.
There were so many worsts that it became meaningless.
